Do you remember me mentioning the heartburn that started the day before the last round of chemo??? Well, it is still here in full force. I have had this happen before, when my Mom was in the hospital for the last 90 days of her life... nothing touched it, nothing. I have heard the words over and over, "You are so strong". While I appreciate the sentiment, it is far from the truth. Madi, now she is strong. She is keeping that beautiful smile on her face, pushing through, staying positive and enjoying the moments. Me, not so much. I am moving through this journey in a fog, I am saying what I need to say to move forward, to be positive for those around me. I hold my family close to me and cling to our good days, but I am not strong. I am terrified. It is not PC to say, "What if?", but the thoughts are there, no matter how much I push them away, they are there. I wish I could clap my hands and be done with next week and know just where we are at and what we are facing with this next phase of the journey. My heart hurts, I am tired, I am sad and some days I just feel broken. This is my Madi, my little Mini-Me. There are times when I look at her and I almost don't recognize her... how awful is that for me to put into words for others to read? I feel like people can see the sadness, numbness, stoic look on my face as I am out in public. That makes me sad, I have always been one to try and make others happy. No, I am not strong, or brave or following the script of the inspiring Mom who is changing lives through this experience. But, Madi is. Madi has strength, courage and beauty and she is a force to be reckoned with and I am so in awe of her amazing self.
WE got this...